Sir Sebastian's holiday love...

Oh, my God, that was a bit of a switch this week, high honored audience. After my recent musings about summer holiday adventures, the rain of the past few days cut into this finely-tempered young gentleman. Hardly any weather to talk about lingerie, you might think. Well, I suggest we do that for a while. Because I still have a little anecdote from my holiday that unfortunately flew by for you - one that automatically warms me up even...

Acid earned break

As I told you, my hard-earned break took me to the south coast of France, near Cannes on the lovely Côte d'Azur. When I got there I grabbed my towel and sunscreen from my suitcase, so I could go straight to the beach. Lovely! Thirty degrees, clear blue sky, even bluer waves and only the sound of the surf and the seagulls circling above my head. I had dared to splash and I was getting a tan, while lazily and with half an eye browsing through a specimen of the Marie Claire - that sounds so good French to me.

I felt a deep sense of contentment and relaxation descending upon me and imagined going nowhere at all before the sun went down. Intensely happy as a puppy in my uppie, my attention was suddenly drawn to a movement in the corner of my left eye. Actually I was too lazy to turn my head sideways, but in the end I managed to roll over a bit to get a better view of the surrounding beach.

Mademoiselle

Even before I had taken up my new position, my eye fell on a scene that hit me right in the heart of my dog. Between the baking Frenchwoman, whining children and beer dragging monsieurs I noticed a most lovable mademoiselle - also a copy of the elevated poodle breed, just like me. What a graceful appearance! She tripped gracefully between the towels with a gait that you only find in France: what an elegant lady! My tummy was suddenly full of butterflies. I was overwhelmed by a tingling wave of summer holiday love. Those eyes! That nose! That wagging tail and-- but wait a minute. My mouth fell open when I discovered what made this young flower so special that it had managed to catch my eye from a distance. She was wearing lingerie! Oh la la! I didn't have it anymore, dear - Sir Sebastian was on fire...

The naughty shoes on

I was trying to get an even better view by half erecting myself. I clumsily knocked over my bottle of sunburn, which fell against my neighbor's leg and made an unsightly stain on her bath towel. She was startled and jumped up, and in the consternation all of a sudden all eyes were on me: including the brown peepers of the object of my desire. I got it even warmer. Eye contact! The world around us seemed to disappear into nothingness for a moment. Only she and I were still counting and the Mediterranean Sea seemed to hold her breath. I had to do something... This is your moment, Monsieur Sebastien, I said to myself, so I gathered all my courage and stepped on her bravely.

She saw me standing up and was of course immediately charmed by my tough but sensitive appearance. My well-kept looks and exquisite taste undoubtedly played a role as well. I decided to persevere and walked further in her direction with a curl in my tail. Electricity was crackling in the azure blue sky. Sparks flew back and forth between the cool boxes and parasols. This was pure magic. L'amour screamed through my body. By the pounding of my heart I could no longer hear the murmur of the surf and forgot everything around me. Just a few more passes. She smiled mischievously at me. She was interested! Yes! Sir Sebastian, you old rascal, this is a direct hit! I put on my most captivating gaze and got ready for the last ten steps before I made her mine in one smooth motion.

Sandcastles, air castles

In my very best French, I went ashore. "Bonjour, mademoiselle, ça va? Voules-vous, um, peut-être, um, avec moi, uh... - Pats! Boom! Like a cloud before the summer sun, an ink-black shadow shone over me. I felt a clumsy hand gently grab my neck skin. At the same time I saw how a big, ugly Frenchman in a brightly coloured bathing suit grabbed my cherie by her guts and pulled brutally away from me. No! Wait, mon amour! I just want to - with a furious movement I was thrown aside by the brute hand in my neck, causing me to plunge with a graceful bow into a newly built sandcastle.

Clambering out of the devastation and trying to blink the sand out of my eyes, I was told I was going to have a game... It's a good thing that I didn't understand much about it, because the red-tongued boss of my young holiday love really swung everything to my head. I had to run for my life when he rushed threateningly towards me. Fit as I am I walked him out with ease of course, so when he gave up I could look back at a safe distance to see what had actually gone wrong.

Blunder

From behind an abandoned beach bucket I peered at the lady in question. Her owner was also angry with her, at least that's what it looked like when he picked her up, pulled her very elegant panties firmly over her behind and stuffed her without excuse in a big picnic basket. They got up and left for the parking lot. There went my chance for holiday romance! With tears in my eyes I looked at her. Only then did I notice that she caught the attention of all the dogs she passed on her way. Worse still: she looked back at all those rude dog men as inviting as she did at me! Suddenly something dawned on me. Slowly but surely a feeling of deep embarrassment took hold of me...

Packaged

Let me put it this way, dear readers: thinking back, I think I've made a small error of judgement about the charming appearance of the French dog ladies. I was so delighted to see that in that o-so-elegant country even the dogs are dressed in lingerie that I overlooked one detail. Suddenly I realized that I had seen dogs dressed in underwear before, but these were usually unsightly ordinary old ladies underpants, and often far too big too. The reason that the French owner was so angry, aggressive and protective was just as vulgar as it was obvious: the lady in question was just in heat, so he had to keep the dog lords at bay by force! I didn't know they solved that in France by wrapping their dogs in the most tasteful lingerie...

With friendly wagging and a slightly broken heart, all yours,

Sir Sebastian l Your doggone fashion sniffer