Breastbonanza: The Algabra-Bra

Sit down quickly, honored audience, because there is much to discuss today. I see that the lecture hall is a little fuller each time, so I think we have something beautiful in our hands. I'm sure there's no need to remind you, but we're still talking about breasts. Our joint facades are now divided into different shapes and sizes. So we can already sketch the rough contours of our breasts. But we're not there yet. All that titological knowledge is fun and nice, but of course it has to be applicable in practice. That's why we're now going to look at the hands-on side of the breast story. What do we actually do with it now that we know the nature of our creatures?

Well, now. In fact, you could have seen the answer coming. Of course, we're going to pamper those breasts with the most beautiful, best and most fitting designer lingerie. Bras, but not just any bra will do. We want all those ladies to be able to sit, hang, or rest; just what you want to call it. Comfort is what we're looking for. Comfort is only possible if we know how to find the right fit, and that's where the shoe comes in. Or the cup. How do you determine your personal fit? Time for a lesson in breast mathematics, or as the English say: bra-algebra. Attention! Let's go!

Improve your breasts; start with yourself

Okay. The absolute basics. Bra sizes are complicated, we'd better just be honest about that. Nothing to be ashamed of, by the way. Estimates vary, but it seems that 70 to 80% (!!!) of all women with the wrong bra size are walking around. There's a good chance you're going about it the wrong way, too. So how do you start finding that ideal, comfortable fit? You start like every great thinker, researcher and explorer does: by looking at yourself!

Measuring in two sizes?

You've been staring in the mirror before, if it's okay, because in my previous two lectures we went looking for your size and shape. With that knowledge in mind we will now look at the two most important building blocks of your dream bra: the cup size and the size.

Okay, so this is starting to get weird. Double standards aren't useful, are they? That's right, but without a cup size and size you can't vary enough to offer all those millions of women's bodies the right bra. So let's start with the size.

What's your bra size?

The size of your bra is the size of your chest, just below the point where your breasts start. All you need is a measuring tape. Put on a bra, but no shirt or sweater over it. Make sure the tape measure is tight around your chest, on the bottom band of your bra. Make sure that you can still breathe in a relaxed way, otherwise you'll end up with a bra that's too tight. Let's be honest: if you color the measurement a bit positive and take a few inches off, you'll only have yourself to deal with! If you know the number of centimetres of the size, write it down. So this is your size. Is it 76 centimeters? Thenyou have size 75. So far not so complicated, right?

Cup size

The cup size is already a bit more complicated. As you probably know, the cups of your bra are those funny 'hats' in which you park your breasts. These cups are supposed to provide support without pinching, but also without giving those ladies a chance to crawl underneath or make their way towards your chin. So that's pretty tight. What's more, the right cup size is still useless if you're looking for the wrong size. So stay sharp for a while!

Measuring your cup size

Actually, you measure your cup size the same way as your size, but in a different place. Measure your cup size by measuring the size of your chest with the same tape measure, but exactly at the center of your nipples. That's where your breasts are at their fullest, so this is where you measure your cup size. Now I hear you think: but my tape measure doesn't say "B" or "D" at all - how do I measure that cup size? Don't panic: just measure the number of centimetres and I'll explain how to derive the size.

From breast size to cup size

You remember the score on your tape measure: from now on we call it the chest size. That's different from the size, because that was the circumference under your breasts. You get the cup size by determining the difference between the circumference and the breast size you just measured. Suppose you discovered that your breast size is 75, and now you see that your breast size is 90 centimeters. The cup size is the difference between the two. So let's do some math. Okay, [breast size] - [size], that comes down to [90] - [75] = 15:

• Cup Size A: difference is 12.5 centimeters
• Cup size B: difference is 15.0 centimeters
• Cup Size C: difference is 17.5 centimeters
• Cup size D: difference is 20.0 centimeters
• Cup Size E: difference is 22.5 centimeters
• Cup size F: difference is 25.0 centimeters
• Cup Size G: difference is 27.5 centimeters
• Cup size H:difference is 30.0 centimeters
• Cup Size I:difference is 32.5 centimeters
• Cup Size J:difference is 35.0 centimeters

With a difference of 15 centimetres we end up with exactly cup size "B". You had already discovered size 75, so now you know your bra size: 75B. Piece of cake, right? Okay, so now we can make it really complicated. The problem is that your cup size and size are just guidelines. I told you before, every woman is just a little different. It would also be weird if with such a relatively simple cup size/size system you still see four out of five women going missing, right?

The personal details

The shape of your breasts will determine which type and size of bra you choose. There are pointed breasts, round breasts, firm breasts, flexties, and so on. The width of your back is another thing, as is the firmness of the connective tissue that attaches your breasts to your pectoral muscles. What's more, the material of your bra is a factor, just like the hinges and locks on it. Then you could make the mistake of attaching your bra to the wrong fastening hook, or adjusting the straps on your back too long or too short. So Drama!

Dramas for your moms?

Well, there's no drama at all. For the real lingerie connoisseur there are all kinds of handy tricks available to measure, feel and determine where your personal drama is. Sweet Spot right there. Not to be confused with the G-spot by the way: if those two are on the same spot you have a problem. In any case, we now know what the basics are when it comes to the basic bra size. I say grab that inch and go to the mirror you! Better yet, find a fellow investigator who'll hold it and check it out for you. If you know how to find the right research assistant, such a measuring moment can be very pleasant, so go for it and try to remember what the outcome was. In the next lesson, I'll go into advanced measurement techniques: determine exactly what your personal perfect fit is!

I conclude with a well-known saying from the lingerie world: "To measure is to know, to guess is to miss - and tits is to enjoy!"